Some days better than others

So a friend said to me “I envy how free you are!”.  I responded “Really?

My friend was commenting on how well she thought I was handling my divorce. It was true that I felt free – I was no longer in an unhealthy relationship, and I felt more of myself than ever.  But to say envy, took me by surprised. What I was going through was heavy emotional shit that I wouldn’t want anyone to go through.  I had to be intentional in how I felt most days, or else I would spend it crying in bed.

I’m trying to trust beyond myself and circumstances, but it’s been hard to do. I just want this horrible nightmare to end so I can move on with my life.  I feel so much has already been taken away, and so much I’ve already sacrificed.  I try to encourage myself each day by thinking about the bright future ahead, and all the great things I will do, but I’m reminded by the dragon that I have to face. I should know his plans or intentions will not prevail. Sometimes, it’s even hard to believe this will end – the potential excitement is too overwhelming to contain. So, it’s a roller-coaster, some days better than others, in which I try really hard to feel something that is not present yet.  I feel free, because I choose to stay on the right side of life in any circumstance. Trusting my prayers and desires of my heart will be fulfilled.

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